Shattered Dreams
by DancingPhalangess
Summary: Before Rachel can begin to climb the impossible mountain, she needs to look back on her life and dig to the roots of exactly how she ended up in such a mess. Sequel to 'Fade Away'
1. Chapter 1

**I heard Shelby was coming back for series 3, let's hope it's more interesting and less anti climatic than her appearance in series 1. **

**So here we are at the sequel. I have decided to go with the letters idea, and then there will be a third part on Rachel's recovery. So yeah, five letters, five people (unless the letter happens to be to a collective group, in which case it will be more than five people). I don't know whose letter to do first, I don't think it matters. What I do know is whose letter is going to be last. **

**Prologue**

_Dear Everyone,_

_By the time I have finished these letters to come, each of you will know your part in my story. Those of you who receive a letter are by no means the only people who deserve one, but if I were to write to every single person who has played a role into getting me where I am now, I would never finish and I must finish in order to ever move past this obstacle in my life. _

_It was Jules' suggestion that I write these. Jules is my therapist, and as much as I protest against needing one in such a situation, I believe she may have a point when she tells me I did not get here all alone. She wants me to dig into myself, my past and my present and find my own reasons. Find what caused me to end up here, in this part of my life. She says I need to know, because it is only knowing how that will allow me to overcome. _

_She compared it to climbing a mountain. Jules says this is probably the toughest, most challenging and highest mountain I am ever going to climb, and although I disagree, I must admire her logic. She explained, in order to climb a mountain, one must be well equipped. They must have everything they are going to need to get up it, ropes, harnesses, ice picks and whatever else mountain climbing requires, I would not know, I have never climbed one. These things, she said, are the support I will receive from those around me. _

_The next thing on Jules' mountain climbing list, is knowing the mountain itself. She said if I am ever to reach the top, I need to know just how high it is, the magnitude of it, the gradient, I need to know the temperature in each and every segment of the mountain, its coldest point, all the ledges suitable for stopping. I need all the information I can get, and this is where these letters come in. _

_They are about gathering information, finding out everything there is to know about this mountain so I can tackle it head on and defeat every part of it, calculate the safest and quickest way to the top. If I don't know it, she said, I will never make it. Not even if I have all the equipment in the world. So I have chosen the five people who I believe played the biggest role in landing me where I am now. Well, four people and one collection of persons. _

_The purpose of these letters is not to make you feel guilty, but to make you understand how you made _me _feel. Not only do I have to understand what got me here, but you do too. If you don't understand, you will never behave any differently, and even if I do get to the top, you will be waiting right there to push me back down again. So, I have thought long and hard over which five to chose, but I think, in the end, I made the correct decisions, although there are a great many more on the list, so if you think that's you, I ask you to please be careful. _

_Yours, _

_Rachel_

**Letter One**

_Shelby__,_

_That introduction sounds cold, but then, I guess I learnt that from you. Even before we met, you had built up a barrier between us. Recording a tape, employing one of your own students to plant it. I don't know your reasons for contacting me in the way you did, and I don't think I want to know. It hardly matters since this letter is not about that, but what happened once you had. _

_No, that's not right. Your part begins before I knew the sound of your voice, your job, your name, your life. Your part begins before I even knew Jesse St James, before I performed at Sectionals, before I was even a member of Glee Club. I could go so far back with your story. I could give you each and every account of the times I thought of you when I was a child, the dreams I had, the questions I asked, all the thoughts I had, but you're going to have to take a whole ten minutes or so out of your perfectly structured day to focus on me as it is, I wouldn't want to take up any more of your time. I hope, at least, that is good enough for you. _

_I'll start with one memory. Just one time when I was seven years old. Of course by then I had noticed my family was different from the other kid's families, I had seen the other girls and boys with their mothers and fathers. At first, they were no different from me, they had two parents just like I did, but then I realised they had one of each sex, and wondered why I had no lady daddy. That's what I called them back then, and I asked my dads just that. Why I had no lady daddy. _

_They laughed at my phrasing and told me I didn't need one, I had them as my daddies and sometime when I was older, they would explain just why our family was different. I accepted this answer and left the conversation quickly, because Funny Girl was about to start in the next room and I didn't want to miss it. _

_But the particular event this is in reference to occurred one day in class. As I have already said, I was seven years old and quite content with the family I had. But not everyone was as accepting. There was one girl who has stuck in my mind over the years, as if was her comment that caused me to question everything I thought I knew and was ultimately, the start of all my insecurities. I suppose that means I should write her a letter, but she was only young. I don't think she deserves any real blame. _

_Karen, I believe her name was, asked me why I had no mummy. I told her what I told everyone else, that I didn't need a mummy, I had my daddies and they were more than I could ever wish for. Others accepted this, whereas Karen didn't. She told me I had to have a mummy, everyone had a mummy or else they couldn't be here, she said my mummy must have just not wanted me and given me to my dads so they had to deal with the burden. _

_For a long while, I believed she was wrong. I believed not everyone had a mummy and I was just one of those who did not. As it turns out, I was right. You told me that yourself, that you are my mother, but you are not my mom. Still, a time came when I was forced to accept I did have a mother, somewhere, and as the years went by and she did not come, I was also forced to accept what Karen's seven year old mind deducted, that you did not want me. _

_I went on believing that for the next eight years, until I was fifteen years' old and I received your tape. I heard you sing, I heard what you called me. Baby. I thought then, that Karen had been wrong, that I had spent the past eight years believing a lie and at last, I dared let myself hope. I hoped, that finally, I would have a mom as well. I hoped to be like everyone else, because although I loved my dads, I had heard many times that there is no bond like the one between a mother and a child, and that was something I wanted. _

_But our journey had barely began when you started building up the walls between us. Even in the auditorium the very first time we met, you sat behind me. Why was that? Was it because it was new and confusing, or was it simply because you didn't want to be near me? I tried. When you stood to leave, I took a leap and asked you if you wanted to have dinner. I shouldn't have done that, it was too soon, I was too clingy. Clearly, you thought so too. You said you would call me, and I wonder now if you ever would have done if I had not come to you, asking for your assistance with my costume. Did you ever intend to pick up the phone, or had you already decided I was not worth it? _

_Perhaps I am being too harsh. There was that hour, that one glorious hour in which I truly thought it could work. When you were helping me with my costume, and it was like everything I had ever dreamed of. It was like having a mom. I thought after that, we had made progress. I thought our relationship was headed somewhere, but clearly, you did not return the sentiment._

_When we said goodbye, I felt it too, the awkwardness between us, but the difference is, I was willing to work towards a relationship, whereas you were not. I knew then that the hour spent was a lie. You had already been deciding how best to tell me you wanted nothing more to do with me. I should have seen it coming, you're an actress just like I am, and you are not the only one who can pull off an impromptu performance. I was really able to hide my hurt when you walked away from me for what I thought to be the last time. _

_It wasn't the last time though, was it? I came to you again, in one last desperate attempt to forge a relationship with you. That time, I knew better than to ask you to be my mom, you had made it more than clear you didn't want that with me. So instead, I asked you to be my coach. Not just my coach, but one to the entire Glee Club, alongside Mr Schue. I tried to lure you in gently, not expect too much from you at once, but it seems just I, was too much. _

_Do you remember what reasons you gave for rejecting my offer? You said you wanted a house, a garden, a dog. A dog. You wanted a dog, but you did not want me. Did you ever get that dog? And what about the garden, do you have that? I know you got one thing from the list. The thing that hurt me most of all to hear you say. You wanted a family. What is it that made you tell your daughter you could not be in her life because you wanted a family? Is a daughter not family? _

_The last blow from you came the very same day. You adopted Beth. Quinn's daughter. I knew Quinn, but you didn't. A stranger's baby was more to you than I ever can be, because she is good enough to be your daughter. Do you know Quinn now? Do you know she's another one on my list to receive a letter? She's tormented me for years now, but that, is another story. I have taken up enough of your time as it is. _

_But all this, this is just the story. You already know all of this. What you do not know, is you were my one hope. For years, I had fought to be accepted, to feel wanted by anybody. My peers, for the most part, act as if I am not there. The ones that do acknowledge me in a way I would rather not be known. Even the Glee Club, who are supposed to be my friends, do not want me. They tolerate me for my voice, but they do not want me. And my dads, the wonderful men you gave me up to who were there for me throughout my childhood were merely putting on a show. As soon as I was old enough to take care of myself, that is what I was expected to do. I do not even know where they are right now. _

_I believed you though, would change that. I believed a mother always loved her child, even if that child were the most hideous, disgusting horrible little creature you could ever imagine. But you didn't; and it was that which really made me think about who I was. I was someone not even a mother could love. I still am that someone. Did you know, the only thing anyone has ever complimented me on is my voice? And that includes you. I have nothing else of worth. _

_So then came a need to change. I knew losing some pounds would not make a difference to your perspective of me, that is not what your part in the story is about. Your part is about the drive. I knew I had been too clingy, too weak, too pathetic to be called your daughter., You are everything I am, and everything I am not. It is from you, I took the determination, the drive to work myself until I could no longer feel my body, I wanted to be strong, I wanted to push myself beyond my limits. I wanted to be good enough for you. The sad, pathetic part is, I still do, and that is the very reason I never will be. _

_Now, you have heard you part in my story and I want you to do just one thing for me. I want you to take this letter and make it into an origami swan. Or, if that is too much effort to spend on me, a paper air-plane. I want you to take the swan, or the air-plane, and depending on what it is, launch it out of the window, or send it across a lake. Once it's all gone, I want you to forget. Forget you have another daughter, forget I exist and enjoy your life with Beth. I want you to do this so that I too can forget and focus on being good enough for only myself. _

_Rachel_

**I bet you've missed the review button. The review button has missed you too. Why don't you have a reunion? It would put a smile on someone's face. Unless, of course, you just write 'this was shit'. Then I might AK you. **


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't know what order I'm going to post these letters in, I'm writing this one second, but that doesn't mean it will be the second to go up. This is the first time I've ever done this, written out of chronological order. Not that there really is an order to these. **

_Dear Finn, _

_ There are reasons why you should be on my list, and there are reasons you shouldn't. Before I say anything else, I want you to know one thing. I am not here because you were a bad boyfriend. I was in the grip of this before we began to date, long before, if I am honest with myself. The insecurities have always been there, right from when I was a child and a class mate of mine told me I didn't have a mom because she didn't want me. She was right, as it turned out, but that's not what this letter is about. What this letter is about is the role you played in me winding up at the bottom of this mountain, as Jules likes to call it. _

_ Most part in your story, actually, comes before we were even dating. The first thing I want you to remember is our first kiss. For me, it was my first kiss ever, and I had dreamed about that moment so many times. It was supposed to be so perfect, because when you reach the age of fifteen and you have not had your first kiss, it becomes something you save and wait for, something that should mark a moment in your life. _

_ Do you remember our first kiss, Finn? It was in the auditorium, on a picnic blanket. The few seconds that it did last were some I have relived over and over in my mind, even once we began dating and I could kiss you whenever I pleased. But it didn't last long, did it? After just moments, you broke it off. It was not that which hurt, I understood why you had to stop, you had a girlfriend. What I did not, and still do not, understand, was why you had to look so disgusted. _

_ I saw the look on your face, I felt the way you jerked away from me. It was not the apologetic movement of somebody who had just made a mistake, it was the recoil of someone who was disgusted with what they had done. I know you did not really love Quinn, not even then. I had seen the way you looked at her, the way you two interacted together, and it was more a show than anything else. You were together because it was expected of you, combined with schoolboy lust. And if it was not Quinn that made you run away from me as you did, I knew it must have been me. _

_ You're a guy, and you probably had your first kiss when you were in elementary school, so you cannot understand how important it was for me, how perfect I wanted it to be. It could have been. It would have been had you not ran as you did. I would not have even minded so much if you had gently pulled away and reminded us both you had a girlfriend. I understand you had to stay with Quinn, as you understood the situation at the time, she was pregnant with your baby._

_ But you did not do that. You didn't leave me sad, but admiring your commitment and loyalty. You left me lying there on that picnic blanket, feeling as if you had stolen that one perfect moment from me and turned it into something nasty. You left me feeling like I was nothing compared to her, like you couldn't believe you had jeopardised your relationship for the likes of me. That was the first time I felt truly disgusting. _

_ The second reason you are reading this letter today, probably wishing you could take everything back and start all over again, is perhaps something I should keep to myself. I am sure it is not something you did on purpose, at the time, you were trying to be nice to me, so I am sorry for referring to this moment, but I feel above anything, these are the ones that are most vital that I highlight, because these are the moments you do not realise you are hurting me and in the end, it is these that can be the most damaging of all. _

_ The moment I am speaking of is in the doctor's office when I had tonsillitis. I was scared I would never sing again, and I voiced aloud my fears on what I would be without my ability to sing. You told me to stop thinking like that, that there were loads of awesome things about me. I was hopeful then, I dared to think maybe I was more than my voice, but when I asked you 'like what?' you couldn't answer me. You couldn't think of anything. Not one thing. _

_ Then of course there was the bowling fiasco. I really thought you liked me then. No one had ever done anything like that for me and I began to feel like maybe I was something in your eyes. But as it turned out,the only thing I was to you was a ticket out of Lima. Once again, I was nothing but my voice. That was the day I got my second kiss. Again from you, and you did manage to not look quite so disgusted that time, so good on you for that; but it was still meaningless to you. _

_ At last I thought I had you when you broke up with Quinn. You had sent me enough signals for my to believe we would be dating did you not have Quinn, but when you lost her, we didn't happen. I thought we had, for a time. I am not criticising you here Finn, in a way, I admire you for finally being honest with me. After months of thinking it and coming up with any other reason to be away from me, you finally told me the truth. That I was not good enough. I brought you down, I wasn't as pretty as the other girls and people would judge you for dating me. _

_ Maybe those were not your exact words, but they were the ones I heard. Even now Finn, I cannot shake the voice of your inner rock star telling me I am not good enough. Even now, I question whether I should really be with you, because we are so apart in social status. You are so concerned with your popularity that I wonder if sometimes, the thought crosses your mind too. _

_ There is on more incident I want to bring to your attention, and this one, I know I deserved, but I still wish you had acted differently. Do you remember the day you got kicked off the football team? As my usual, selfish self, I was pleased about the news; but let me explain what I didn't then. It meant I was the only thing that would make you happy, it meant, that maybe, you would want me and I would no longer have to worry about you realising how much better you could do than me. _

_ I wish I had not been so openly happy about it now, as all it did was drive you away, or at least I wish I could have explained. But I did try, I told you I wouldn't have to worry about you running off with some hot cheerleader. Still, what I wanted to draw to your attention was what happened next, and that was for Santana and Brittany to chose that moment to walk past and make some snide comments about my fashion sense and talent. _

_ It was not that I much minded, I am used to them, it was your reaction that really hurt me Finn. You did not only not defend me, but you laughed. You laughed and then you agreed with them. You told me right there and then that they had a point. I thought you were different Finn, you had told me enough times that you like the way I dress, that it suits me, but after that day I doubted the truth of those words, and doubting that made me doubt everything else you had ever said to me, every time you had called me beautiful. _

_ I know you do not do it on purpose, maybe it is even unconscious, you do not realise what you are doing, but you never let me kiss you in the halls. I can count on one hand the amount of times we have made out in school, and one of those, there was no one around but us. I am not a fan of public displays of affection, but I cannot help but remember how you wore Quinn so proudly on your arm, and whereas I have no interest in being a trophy, I wish you would be as proud to call me your girl. _

_ I don't want you to take this letter as me criticising your skills as a boyfriend, that is not what I am doing. When we're alone, you're perfect to me, and sometimes I wonder why I am doing this to myself, why I need to lose any weight, or be anything more than what I am, because you love me as I am. But I want you to love me always, not just when we are alone and no one else has to know it. I want you to be proud._

_ And then there was Santana. You knew she had to come up at some point. I want you to know I have forgiven you. We weren't even going out at the time, so I suppose I hold no right to a grudge, I just wish you had told me. If you had told me, it would have still hurt, but I would have been past it much more quickly, and then maybe you wouldn't have called her super hot. I hear those words whenever I force myself to do ten more push ups, or another kilometre of running. I hear you calling her that over and over in my head to remind myself why I am doing it, because I hope that one day, that's what you will see in me too. _

_ I'm sorry you have to read this, but I am even more sorry I had to write it. I do not want to highlight your every mistake to you, because I know better than anyone that nobody is perfect, and I am not expecting you to be. I should learn to have the same expectations of myself, but until I am good enough, I will not accept me. I just always thought you would. I thought that's what love was, someone accepting everything about you and being damn proud of every imperfection. It's not your fault though. Even my own mother cannot be proud to have me. _

_ I do love you though, Finn, I love what we have and I don't want to lose you. Despite everything, you are the only one who has ever told me you love me. Well, I suppose my dads did once, when I was younger, but now it's something if I manage to see them within the month. They barely have time to check I'm still alive. You are the only person to ever make me feel wanted, and it is not your fault I am here. It's a collection of many words and many actions, each pushing me further towards the point I decided I needed to change. _

_ By the time you did finally tell me you love me though, it was too late. I was already recording everything I ate, I already had a strict exercise plan that I was following daily, and I already had a target weight of eighty five pounds. I already felt as if I was not good enough, not just for others but for me as well. You may have been able to change that, had I known what I meant to you from the start, even Jesse was enough to hold it off._

_ But what is done is done, and no amount of dwelling and guilt is going to change that. I just want you to be here, now. I want you to climb with me over the mountain because I can think of no one I would rather have with me to share the spectacular view from the peak. _

_ Forever yours, _

_ Rachel. _


	3. Chapter 3

**I wrote this chapter on camp, my entire Rangers group now know I write fan fiction. That's the usual cool impression I make on people. **

_Dear Glee Club, _

_When I first heard of the show choir, it sounded so perfect for me. It was a place where I could not only let my talent shine, but a place I could express myself and everything I stood for. It was a place I could finally do what I loved without being called a freak, and a place I thought I would be more appreciated for my passion, a place where my leadership skills would be of use. It was my chance to shine amongst stars, and perhaps, somewhere along the path, it was also a place to make friends, something that I have lacked all of my life. _

_I was so excited when I soared through my audition and was accepted as a member of the Glee Club, but I never really was accepted, was I? I was merely tolerated for my voice and my voice alone. And perhaps someone who was even more of a loser than the rest of you to make your own social statuses rise in the eyes of the school. Needed, I always have been. Wanted, I am not. _

_Day after day the Glee Club grew and we gathered more and more members, we became bigger and better, but more than anything, we became friends. Or at least, the rest of you did. I saw the way you shared laughter and jokes, as well as the hard times of being slushied and ridiculed by our peers. I noticed you making weekend plans, arrangements for keeping in touch with one another during school breaks, and I was never included in that. _

_It is not you I blame for this, for I know I am not the easiest person to be in the presence of. With my obsession with solos and my general determination to not only win, but be the very best at everything I do, I must be a nightmare to be around. Hell, I know I am; you guys have reminded me of that enough times. _

_But by the time I joined Glee Club, I was used to teasing and ridicule, and I guess you used that as an excuse to treat me in the way you did. I never did get used to it though, I brushed it off and ignored it, but it still got to me. All of your words, all of the insults, every whispered comment that was not meant to be heard buried themselves under my skin and resided there, waiting to twist my thoughts in my darkest moments. _

_The hatred of the rest of the school though, I could stand. It wouldn't have mattered if only I could have had friends by my side. Somehow, the insults from you guys were so much worse, even if, unlike the rest of our peers, you drew the line somewhere. I suppose it was because I expected it from them, they needed to be cruel to me to stay on top, but what reason was it that you had? Glee Club was supposed to be about acceptance, in spite of our faults. Every one of you accepted Santana into out midst, despite her having tormented each and every one of us at one point or another, so why could that kindness not extend to me? _

_Over time, I came up with my own ideas regarding the issue, but what it all ultimately boiled down to is that I am just not good enough. I am not good enough to be my mother's daughter, I am not good enough to be Finn's girl, and I am not good enough to be your friend. The list of all the things I am not enough for extend to almost every aspect of my life, but there is one thing that is not included there, and that is my voice. _

_Performing is the only thing I have ever felt adequate in, and that is the soul reason I am so driven to be the best. It is the reason behind my obsession with the spotlight, the reason I have to have every solo, the reason you all hate me so much. Isn't it ironic how none of you like me because you think I am too stuck up for my own good, when the reason I am that way is because I hate myself as much as you do? I don't know what I am without my voice, what I'm worth. I asked Finn once and even he did not have an answer for me. _

_I want you guys to understand that beyond anything. I want you to get that performing is the only thing I am good for, and I have to be the best, always, otherwise I will fade and burn out, there will be nothing left for me, nothing left _of _me. When people criticise that, it is worse than anything else they can throw at me because without it, I truly am nothing. It is my one ticket out of here to prove to the world, and to myself, that I am something. If you all understand that, if you really get what it really means to me, perhaps you won't be so critical in the future, but then again, perhaps you will up the taunts. _

_It is not my intention to place blame, but I often wonder if you had offered your hands of friendship, if you had accepted me and been friends I could turn to, then maybe I would have never reached this point. It is no one person's fault that I am here, except perhaps, my own, but there are those who could have prevented it, and it is you guys who fall to the top of that list. It is you who taught me that those who mind do matter. _

_However, having addressed that matter, there is one amongst you who did do just that. Noah was the only one (aside from Finn of course) who seemed to truly like me for who I was. He was the only one who ever defended me and out of you all, he was the one person to contradict Santana when she said you all just pretend to like me. Do you have any idea how much that hurt? Not just to hear the comment but to listen to the almost silence that followed it. _

_Finally, I come to your role in this, exactly what it was that you did to nudge me towards this particular chapter in my life. Right from the beginning of Glee, we all made a promise to be there for one another. When Quinn's pregnancy became common knowledge, no one hesitated in letting her and Finn know you were there for them. You sang to them, offered Quinn a home and Mercedes was even there at the birth. _

_I saw how you all did what you could to help her, and hoped, when my time came, you would do the same for me. I could feel myself cracking under the weight of my day to day life, I could feel the words, the rejection, the loneliness, beginning to infect my soul. When you're always alone, you begin to listen to the voice that tells you you're stupid, ugly and worthless because there's no one else to talk to and no one to contradict it. _

_For as long as I can remember, I have kept up this farcade of self confidence; I have made myself out to be someone indestructible that no one can knock down. I've carefully constructed my show face and placed it over my empty features every morning, I've practised my smile and moulded it into perfection to fool the world. I bet none of you ever guessed how much I hate myself. I bet you never looked hard enough to see. _

_The mask may be strong, but there are cracks. Hints that I have dropped over the months in a desperate attempt to communicate to you what I was feeling inside. "I've never felt like a pretty girl", I remember saying that, I said it in front of all of you. I wanted you to know I did not just brush your words off my shoulders but I took them to heart and believed them. _

_I needed you. All of you jumped to be there for Quinn, what was so wrong with me that I did not deserve the same favour? But then, a voice does not need to be happy to be good, and in the end that is all I am. It is all I will ever be. It was you who taught me that. You made me believe I had nothing else to offer, and you didn't care when it all became too much. _

_Mr Schue, you're a part of this letter for a different reason. You were obviously never an active part of the teasing and freezing out, but neither did you help. You are the first to stand against any form of bullying, you preach a zero tolerance of anything offensive in Glee Club and acceptance; so why was it you were so willing to let them torment me? I think I must have deserved it. Maybe you wanted them to reign me in so I wasn't so annoying. Look on the bright side. It worked. _

_Perhaps I am just being over dramatic. That figures doesn't it? Drama queen Rachel Berry, nothing for anyone to worry about. She'll be okay because she doesn't have feelings, not real ones. That's what you thought about Jesse, that I was being over dramatic. But the truth is that was the final straw, it was the event that finally broke me and after that, my life descended down hill with extreme pace. _

_Every small thing felt one thousand times worse because this had me in its destructive hold and it was destroying me. I tried to tell you. That day in your office, I broke down and sobbed because I was so relieved that someone was asking me, someone was actually taking an interest in how I was feeling and that was all I had really wanted all along. I wanted to tell you everything, but you weren't listening, were you? I was being a drama queen again and I just didn't matter. _

_I apologise if this letter came across in the wrong way, I am not angry and anyone and neither do I blame you. I just wish someone had genuinely cared, that someone had noticed something. It is not as if you had to read my mind, listening to my words would have been enough. I know it's what you all would have done if it had been anyone other than me. _

_Regards, Rachel _

**Typing this up was the second thing I did upon getting back from camp (the first was watching Torchwood). Appreciate it. (I joke, you don't have to. You might hate this and hate me and wish I'd been eaten by cannibals on camp). **

**Reviews are much loved :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here we go, Quinn's letter. I don't like Quinn. Or Youtube, at the moment. It keeps pausing my music -.- Oh, and I've also reconstructed Quinn's past so the Lucy stuff never happened because it didn't fit with the past I wanted her to have with Rachel. **

_Dear Quinn, _

_For some of these letters, I had to think hard about who they were going to go to; I could not write a letter to every person who has ever hurt me because the staff would be after my blood for using so much of their paper. However, for you, it was not the case. I always knew you were going to get one, even above Santana. You see, Santana was always more harsh, more direct but her words were always easier to take, because I always knew, to a certain extent, that it was not personal. She certainly had her own special way of tormenting me, but unlike you, Santana is just a general bitch to everyone. _

_You, on the other hand, have only really been that way with me. Of course, you and Finn had your differences, but the two of you were never really meant for each other, you were both merely together for the status and popularity. Neither one of you loved the other, but you were not willing to admit it, not even when you were with another's child and he was flirting with me. Perhaps that's why you hate me so much. I don't think I will ever really know, but what I do know is that you do. You saw something wrong with directly me, and for you, it was very personal. _

_I get why you hate me. Not only did Finn choose me, but you've told me in your own words just why it is you find me so repulsive enough times. I know I'm obsessive, clingy, spoiled and "totally irritating most of the time." And from your very own mouth Quinn, you feel like "punching me every time I open my mouth." You may find this strange, but no one has ever hit me, although I am sure many have wanted to, and what you might find even more peculiar is I wish they would. Or at least, I wish my dads would. _

_That sounds sick, even to me. It's not really true either, it isn't that I want them to hurt me, exactly, but acknowledge my existence. I have three parents, and not one of them has managed to do so. Growing up, my dads sent me to all the singing lessons, dance classes and acting schools they could find, but it was not to nurture my talent, as I have always said. It was because they didn't know what else to do with me, how to be around me. They both wanted a child so much, but when they got one, they didn't know how to be parents. _

_I suppose I should be grateful that I have always been provided for, and I am. My dads have never done any wrong by me as such, they've never put me down or hurt me, there's always been food on the table, they've even catered to my diet needs and when they go away, they're always sure to leave me enough money to get me by, but for the most part, I am expected to take care of myself. Before Finn, I could not remember the last time someone had said 'I love you'. _

_I am telling you all of this because I thought high school would be the place I would finally feel loved and accepted, I thought I could finally find friends and construct my own family, but it never happened that way. You saw to that. I will never really understand why it was you hated me so much, because all of this started way before anything with Finn. All of this started on the very first day of Kinder-garden._

_Do you remember that day? I expect you have tried to erase it from your memory, but that was the first time I believed we could be friends. I was confident even then, I was already in performing arts classes and had picked up on many of the habits. You did not have the same advantage. The first time I ever saw you, you were crying; your dad had just dropped you off and you had crept away to a bench in the corner of the playground to release your sorrow. I was the only one to notice you, the teachers were too busy organising everyone else and the rest of the class were more concerned with their own heartache. I was all right though; I was used to being away from my dads. _

_I approached you that day. I marched right over there to see if you were okay, and when I reached you, and saw quite clearly, the answer was no, I took a seat right next to you and told you in my extensive five year old vocabulary that it would be all right. I told you that you would see your family soon and even if we could find no other friends, we could have each other. You smiled then. I think that is the one and only true smile you have ever given me. _

_Of course, as soon as we were in the classroom you were spotted and dragged away by none other than Santana Lopez and Brittany Pierce. Santana didn't take your hand and march off with you right away, she looked at me first. She gave me this long glance from head to foot, her nose crinkled and her mouth turned up into a sneer to make it clear just what she thought of me before her hand shot out and she pushed me. It was so unexpected that I fell right to the floor. _

_I lay there for what felt like years, waiting for you to say something. I wanted my new found friend to jump to my defence, because then I was still naive enough to believe once you shared a smile you were friends for life. I waited for you to extend the same hand of friendship as I had done for you and help me to my feet, but you never did. You just looked at me sprawled on the floor with your impossible to read expression and still red rimmed eyes and then you walked away, arm in arm with the two people who had shown me my place for the years to come. _

_That was the day that set the hierarchy in stone. The four of us moved up to Elementary School together, then Middle School and then at last, High School. As I've said before, I thought things might be different in High School. I thought we may have all grown up past stereotypes and mindless bullying, but that move only marked an increase in your taunting. By that point, you were not even friends with Brittany and Santana, you have moved above them in the social scale and they were jealous. It was a constant power batter between the three of you. _

_Last year, I finally found out what Rupaul means. You were so proud of yourself for coming up with that name, you thought it was hilarious and you catty voice caught on to the rest of the school and soon, I was hearing it everywhere I went. Everyone was shouting after me in the halls, and it was like everything negative I had ever thought about myself was stamped across me so they could all see. I was never allowed to forget. It was not all you, but you were the start of everything. _

_The second time I thought we may be friends is when your pregnancy became common knowledge amongst the Glee Club Just as I had done that first day in Kinder-garden, I approached you with the offer of friendship. Your other 'friends' no longer wanted anything to do with you, and I think that was the only thing that stopped you telling me to go and play in the traffic. You had no one else and I was there, I was convenient, but it was not as if we were friends even then. You just used to to make sure Jacob didn't spill your secret to the world. _

_I know what you think about that period of your life, Quinn, and my role in it. You think I was only there so Finn would see me as this amazingly kind girl helping someone who had never so much had as had a kind word to give, but you're wrong. I approached because I saw the same scared vulnerable little girl I had on that first day, you were alone and I knew just what it felt like to need someone so much as the world turns its back on you. I knew what it was like not to have a friend in the world, to have no one on your side when you needed them there to hold you up and I didn't want anyone else to feel that way, ever. Not even you. _

_That particular peace between us didn't last though. I knew it wouldn't as soon as you wrote that Glist. I saw it that morning, taped to my locker door before Noah had the grace to get rid of it. I saw my name in the same place I had always been when it came to you. Right at the very bottom. I saw my score, in the minus numbers, and whereas the rational part of me knew it was just some mindless plastic lashing out, it still hurt. It hurt because I knew it was the truth, in your eyes at least. It really was how you saw me, it was how you all saw me. _

_The reason you are getting this letter and not the others is because you had the power to be different. I think it's just in Santana's genetic make-up to be the way she is, but you could have taken my hand that day, you could have returned the favour when I offered my friendship once again when you were pregnant with Beth, you could have just stopped. Even if you did not want to be my friend, you could have stopped with the name calling, the comments, the careful way you turned the rest of the school into my enemies. You could have at least let me have the Glee Club. It is not all your fault that they have never warmed to me, but you most certainly didn't help. _

_The final reason you are on my list is for something that is no fault of your own. You were Finn's first girlfriend, you were his first love and for that, you will always hold a special place in his heart. That special place can never be taken by me, and I can never compare to you because you are just so damn pretty. Everything about you is so perfect. I want so badly to match up to you in Finn's eyes. I want the rest of the school to look at us like they looked at the two of you, not with those scathing looks that tell Finn 'you can do better'. _

_I feel like I am constantly being forced to match up to you, and no matter what I do I can never compare. I will never be like you because I'm always going to be this annoying, spoiled, obsessive girl that everyone merely tolerates. You're everything I'm not, and sometimes, I hate you for it. I hate that you can mess up so badly and have everyone still love you, have the Glee kids at your feet when I make the slightest mistake and they are all on my back, pointing out my every fault as if I don't know. I hate that you were good enough to be Finn's girlfriend. _

_One thing I don't think I have made clear in this letter though, is I don't hate _you, _Quinn. I hate the things you've done, I hate your perfection, I hate how little I am in comparison, but I don't hate you. I never have, not even when you were right in my face, making it clear just how much you disliked me. You were never under any obligation to be kind to me and I have never expected anything of you. Merely hoped. Hoped that one day you would leave me alone enough so I could start to see beauty in myself. _

_The Glee Club taught me those who mind do matter, my mother gave me the drive, Finn made me feel like I was never enough, but it was you Quinn, who made me feel so damn unpretty. _

_Rachel_

**I apologise for any music that my have got stuck in anyone's head during the reading of this chapter. Everyone's reactions to their letters will be in the third part to this (so the sequel to the sequel). **

**Quick question that has nothing to do with this story, I've seen on some fics that apparently, Finn egged Rachel in the pilot episode, but I do not recall this at all. When in the episode did this supposedly happen? It's really bugging me. **


	5. Chapter 5

**The last letter.**

_Rachel_

_Four letters, many more people, countless words later and still you have not defined who is really to blame. Almost every person you have ever come into close contact with has given you a building block to create this huge mountain looming above you, but it was you who took all those blocks and built them on top of one another. You could have taken a weapon and destroyed them. You could have kept them separate and tackled each one individually, you could have enlisted someone to help you with the weight, but you chose to let them become this. _

_From the age of five when a little girl named Quinn started your insecurities, you made all the wrong decisions. After that was a long, long chain reaction of events, crashing into one another like dominoes and leading up to his one letter. You made each of those wrong decisions and then you justified them in your twisted mind that had proved itself untrustworthy from the very first tiny rock of the mountain. _

_You can blame the self hate on as many people as you like, but it is with your own eyes you look in the mirror. It is your hand that puts down the food and pushes away the plate, it's your mouth that eats those few lettuce leaves for lunch instead of a real meal, it's your body that forces itself to run just one more kilometre or do just ten more sit ups, then another ten, and another until your muscles burn as if someone's set you on fire from the inside out. Well guess what? You're the one with the match in your hand. _

_The mountain was not always there. Your five year old mind, although advanced for its age, did not know what a calorie was. It didn't know about the amount of fat that could be burned per hour in correlation to the intensity of the workout. It didn't deduce, as it studied your body in the mirror, that perhaps your nose was above average and it was about time the puppy fat came off. At five years old it was still innocent and naïve, it still believed you were a special girl. _

_When did you stop believing that? When did you start to look in the mirror and see everything scattered with fault? When did you decide not to eat those chips and have an apple instead? Well, the thought was always there. Right from the first years of Elementary school, you began to wonder if they would leave you alone if you looked more like them, but it wasn't anything real. Back then, all it took was a reassuring comment from either one of your dads and you believed they were the ugly ones. On the inside at least. _

_It wasn't until Middle School that stopped being enough, when Karen's comments went round and round in your head, that you weren't good enough for your own mother, that she never wanted you; when they were still taunting you with Quinn at the front of it all, enjoying the pain that flashed across your features with every word. That was when you began to look in the mirror and want to change what you saw, but you only looked for a second before you turned away, afraid of the soft voice whispering all your imperfections. _

_Then came High School, the years everything was supposed to change. Well, it did that all right. Everything fell apart around you as you could no longer avoid the truth the popular girls in the red and white uniform had been telling you all of those years. Finally, you looked in the mirror and saw what they did. It was their words that haunted you as you stared into that glass, but it was your eyes that distorted the figure reflected in it. _

_The diet started discreetly. First, you ate things like chocolate and any large calorie meals less and less. Becoming a vegan was easy, it was an excuse to cut out all those foods, a reason for not having a slice of pizza with the Glee Club when you ordered out after a performance and no one questioned it when you ordered a salad instead. It was a reason for turning down the large roast dinners dripping with gravy prepared by your fathers, just about the only attention they ever paid to you by that point. But all of that, it was your choice. Quinn did not stand by your side and whisper 'don't eat that, you're far too fat' into your ear. _

_Then came the working out. Even that was harmless at first. An hour's session every morning, no more than what is recommended daily. You justified that by saying it kept you fit and ready for your active lifestyle, but that was just it, you already got your daily exercise in the form of dance classes and Glee rehearsals. Adding the morning workouts too it made it too much. But still, it wasn't an unhealthy amount. It kept you in shape and ready to tackle the hard demands of the life of a rising star. _

_When you began to eat no more than an apple for breakfast, it was okay because there was so little you could eat anyway, and it was something quick to munch on the way to school. You didn't want to be late. Then of course lunch was hard too, the cafeteria offered so little vegan options that you were often forced to chose a peanut butter sandwich on brown bread. But soon it was just the crusts. You had eaten peanut butter so much, you had gone off it. _

_In the evenings, once you were done with Glee Club, homework and dance rehearsals, it was almost dinner and there was no need for a snack. You were always ravenous by that point, and because you were still at least partly in a world of reality, you allowed yourself to eat a proper meal. Your dads had started their business trips by then so you were left to prepare your own. Pasta, tofu, vegetable stir fry, jacket potato. It was the only real food you had all day. But that was fine because the point was you were getting a proper meal._

_But soon that proper meal stopped being a part of your daily life. That was because both Jesse and your mother had abandoned you in the space of one week. They had both been your life line, your dream come true. All your life you believed your mother didn't want you, but then there she was and at the same time, you had this amazing boyfriend who treated you like a Queen. When they both went away, there was no point in that meal. That meal became no more than two rice crackers, or yet another apple. _

_Still, it was okay because Jesse and your mother, along with the years of taunting and Finn's inner rock star had just knocked your confidence. It was nothing really, you'd soon get back on your feet and be the Rachel Berry that everyone knew and...hated. No. You wouldn't be that girl again, it was time for a change because you were tired of hurting. But it was still okay because it was a good change, one that would make your mother want you, make you good enough for Finn and show those cheerleaders how wrong they were about you. _

_Each one of them knows their part in this mountain building now, they have their letters and you've told each one their story, but what you failed to mention was it was never really for them. You wanted to be your mother's daughter, Finn's girlfriend and a friend to everyone else at the same time, but the only one who truly hated the sight of you was yourself. So now, you get your own letter. You finally get to admit your own part in this. _

_It was you who stopped eating that apple in the morning and slotted a three kilometre run into your morning routine on top of the hour's workout you already did. By the time you set off for school, you were exhausted, but you still made yourself walk instead of driving. It didn't matter though, you were just looking after yourself. You were getting in shape ready to take Nationals. You didn't need a lot of food, just the crusts from your peanut butter sandwich and a couple of vegetables in the evening to fuel your busy schedule. _

_Even that was too much though, wasn't it? Did you really need both the carrots and the potato for dinner? Wasn't just one enough? Two was too many, even for someone with an ordinary diet. That was the same amount everyone ate, you needed the body of a star and that meant the diet of one. So the two vegetables became one, the crust became a tiny salad that was never finished. _

_Still, it did not matter. You were healthy. Healthier than any of those who stuffed themselves with pizzas and chocolate and other junk food all day. It wasn't enough for you though. It wasn't even enough when the scales told you you were underweight because the mirror told a different story. The mirror showed you every roll of fat, it showed you your bulking belly and thunder thighs. The mirror told you the truth, the scales always lied. It became both your worst enemy and your best friend, because it always remained truthful when everyone else was trying to lie to you and tell you that you were getting thinner. _

_So you kept doing it. You increased your workout, decreased your food. When you absolutely had to eat something that was not on your daily intake allowance, you had to force an extra hour into your day to burn it off. You were still taking care of yourself though. It was all over the media that teens were never getting enough exercise, eating too much junk food. You were being one of the good ones, doing what was right for your body. _

_Finally, after several long months of hard work, you could see the weight just beginning to creep off. You were not thin, you were not even close and there was no way you were good enough, but it was a start. You were getting somewhere, at last doing something to banish that stupid worthless girl that resided inside you. Finn was finally starting to look at you like he used to look at Quinn, and when you swapped the sweaters for dresses, the rest of the school's scathing looks lessened. Of course they were still there, twisted into their smiles. _

_You used him and everyone else who had ever hurt you as a reason to carry on. It was him whose voice chanted 'super hot' in your ear time and time again as you forced your tired body to work out, but it was your ears that listened. It was Quinn's sneer you saw as you rejected the steaming plate of pasta you could picture in your mind and chose a carrot instead, but it was your eyes that paid attention. It was Shelby's dismissal of you as her family that pushed you to carry on with that workout, but it was your mind that decided: just ten more minutes. _

_They gave you the fuel, but you started the fire. They supplied the bricks, but you built the wall to keep out anyone who cared. They gave you a huge piece of land and all the lumps for the mountain, but it was you who let them build up on top of each other, piece by piece. You could have taken their words, their looks and their actions in your stride and had you climbed each rock as it came, you could have ended up on the peak, looking down at them all from the top. _

_Now you have told your own story, entwined with the stories of those you love, and those you don't, it is time for the ending. The ending that has not yet been written. You've always been a clever girl, if nothing else. So clever, you have even managed to fool yourself. But you're not just looking after yourself, you're not preparing your body for its tough life as a star, you're not creating your longed for image that will prevail above all critics. What you're doing is destroying yourself. _

_A raw carrot and a handful of leaves are not enough for a daily food intake. An hour of morning workout followed by a three kilometre run, a brisk walk to school, a session of dancing in Glee Club, another two hours dance rehearsal in the evenings and more sit ups, more kilometres on the exercise bike is not a healthy life style. It's part of a disease, a disease that has you in its unrelenting hold. It's a destructive monster that whispers to you at all hours of the day, it's a roaring voice of agony that won't let you feel pretty. It's your own voice, it's the voice of all those who have ever made you feel anything less than perfect. _

_It's the voice of anorexia and I, Rachel Berry, am a victim._

**And that concludes my letters. I don't know when it will be up, I'll try to make it sometime not-too-far-away. **

**Reviews again are very appreciated, especially since it's the last one and I know some people weren't sure about this letter idea. **

**Oh, and another thing. I want to know what everyone wants in the next part. I have some of my own ideas and a general strucure, but I think it's going to be longer than the past two, about ten chapters, and I think some of it would be best coming from you guys, so what would you like to see? **

**Although I will say one thing. No Faberry. I don't care if each and every reviewer begs for it, I will write a couple of scenes between them because there are things left unresolved, but they are not friends. Quinn doesn't secretly love Rachel. Rachel doesn't have a crush on Quinn. They just dislike one another. **


	6. Chapter 6

The third part to this fic is finally up! It's called 'Perfectly Broken' and is on my stories page.


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